my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
