My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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