watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
please don't ironically join a cult
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