Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
