I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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