Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
