I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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