i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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