Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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