so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
then he tried to convert me to islam
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
