My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
