Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
