it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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