Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
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Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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