I heard we made out
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm passing your future prison.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
