I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
