At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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