I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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