Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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