I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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