I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
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I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
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So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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