I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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