hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
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