why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
