I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
