Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
