Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
