I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
and she was petting her beer can
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
