if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
