Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
