My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
