We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How does one acquire holy water?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
