the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
