She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
