dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
