I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Randomize
