I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
