I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
