my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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