Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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