Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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