I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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