True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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