I think scott just propositioned me for sex
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
