Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
