biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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