Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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