I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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