my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
