i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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