its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Randomize
