Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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