His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
