I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
